Plastic Wonderland

2012-01-12T00:56:00.002+02:00

look at those eyes

2011-11-30T23:45:00.000+02:00

From inspirational fashion to inspirational music:

Don't forget to visit this page ;)

extraordinary beauty

2011-11-23T02:27:00.001+02:00

"I was thinking about a woman as an object of desire. We go to such lengths to adorn ourselves that we almost become our clothes or are taken over by them. This is a collection about excess - an exploration of ideals of beauty at their most extreme.” - Sarah Burton

tits and teacups

2011-08-24T23:44:00.002+03:00

My take on "Tits & Teacups", a lovely project of Emilie Autumn's that she started on Twitter a bit more than a month ago.

bad romance

2011-08-19T23:02:00.001+03:00

I'm A Cliche

2011-07-08T22:37:00.002+03:00

new ducks!

2011-07-02T22:29:00.000+03:00

Now I really want the one that glows in the dark.

Talk Talk Talk

2011-06-25T23:44:00.001+03:00

Those I've Loved

2011-06-10T01:12:00.000+03:00

judas

2011-05-05T22:49:00.000+03:00

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T15:15:00.000+03:00

I can give you this sweet symphony...

2011-04-20T08:42:00.000+03:00

* Put your iTunes/Winamp/WMP on shuffle.

* Say the following questions aloud, and press play.

* Use the song title as the answer to the question.

* NO CHEATING unless the songs you get don’t make any damned sense.

   1. How does the world see me? Groove Coverage - 21st Century Digital Girl
   2. Will I have a happy life? Sunrise Avenue - Hollywood Hills

   3. What do my friends really think of me? The Wildhearts - The Miles Away Girl

   4. Do people secretly lust after me? Mötley Crüe - You're All I Need

   5. How can I make myself happy? The Wildhearts - Destroy All Monsters

   6. What should I do with my life? Anouk - Nobody's Wife

   7. Will I ever have children? Bif Naked - Chotee

   8. What is some good advice for me? Gary Moore - Enough Of The Blues

   9. How will I be remembered? Fyfe Dangerfield - She's Always A Woman

10. What is my signature dancing song? Placebo - Battle For The Sun

11. What do I think my current theme song is? The Cranberries - So Cold In Ireland

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Papa Roach - Revenge

13. What song will play at my funeral? Flipside - Happy Birthday (irw)

14. What type of men do I like? P!nk - Bad Influence

15. What is my day going to be like? Azure Ray - No Signs Of Pain
16. Will I ever have love again? Dagö - Armastan Sind Kaugelt

17. What type of sex life do I have? Porcelain And The Tramps - Fuck Like A Star

18. What song would be the title of my own porno movie? Howling Willie Cunt - I'd Rather Have A Dick In My Ass Than Have You In My Heart

Stealing from the candy store

2011-04-19T02:01:00.000+03:00

Well, not from the candy store, but still stealing. This is what happens when I drink...

I dreamed a dream

2011-04-06T23:58:00.000+03:00

Make believe this is the first day, everything all brand new

2011-04-02T22:46:00.000+03:00

got monsters

2011-03-11T23:54:00.000+02:00

Keith Caputo - Got Monsters Official Music Video - Directed by .NK. from keithcaputotv on Vimeo.

This is art...

Happy International Women's Day!

2011-03-08T15:29:00.000+02:00

Killer Bee

2011-03-01T00:05:00.002+02:00

Born This Way

2011-02-28T20:44:00.001+02:00

Ghosts of Utopia

2011-02-25T14:01:00.002+02:00

She said it's cold, it feels like Independence Day

2011-02-25T00:11:00.002+02:00

It is a long winter,
Away is the summer.

Sitting here all alone on Valentine's Day...

2011-02-14T23:57:00.002+02:00

Showing off my map of Tasmania

2011-02-06T23:23:00.000+02:00

Inspired by this

two little babies

2011-02-02T23:03:00.000+02:00

Aren't they cute?

Map of Tasmania

2011-01-17T22:45:00.000+02:00

in the morning...

2011-01-16T20:47:00.000+02:00

That's what I see sometimes in the morning when I look out of my kitchen window.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T04:14:00.001+02:00

Monkeys made of gingerbread

2010-12-28T23:43:00.000+02:00

We made gingerbread today. It was fun, but I have no bloody idea who's gonna eat them all.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T17:38:00.002+02:00

medicate with tea

2010-12-23T17:14:00.001+02:00

I don't do crack, I've never seen cocaine
And fortunately I rarely pop an Aspirin when in pain
'Cause I wanna be - of alcohol or any drug at all - completely free
But I self-medicate with tea
(doot-da-doot-doot)
I know just where to go to get my fix:
The beverage aisle
At Starbucks, I confess, I get my kicks
I'm not in denial
My oolong heals
Your dealer deals for quite a hefty fee
So I self-medicate with tea
(doo-da-loo-doo)
It's not that I'm not miserable as any old drunk
My life is no more bearable than any old junkie
I'd jump out a window
Suicide's a sin though
I've found another way
There's no amount I wouldn't pay
To overdose on Earl Grey
Or English Breakfast
When I'm hopped up on caffeinated Chai
I'm feeling the buzz
And when you asked if I liked to get high
I already was
It's black or green or in-between
Sometimes it looks like weed
But my self-medicating
Improves my mental stating
I don't need to go to rehab
Or to set up a meth lab
I may be a cynic
But the Betty Ford clinic
Isn't ever gonna break me from my habit of choice
It's my opium, my Xanax and it's good for my voice
I hope you comprehend my reasoning
Twinings, Liptons, even Celestial Seasonings
Keep your marijuana
I got my own remedy
I self-self-medicate with tea
Boom
It's chamomile
Yeah

army of love

2010-12-22T17:59:00.001+02:00

Army of Love from KerliTv on Vimeo.

Thanks for the Christmas card

2010-12-21T00:42:00.000+02:00

I totally have the Christmas spirit this year. Made some nice cards the other night. I am somewhat glad that I don't need to make a lot of Christmas cards haha. Some of the cards still need some finishing touches, and then they're sent/given to others. At least I had fun making them...

Life it feels like a frozen winter dream...

2010-12-02T20:31:00.000+02:00

I've got a love for all seasons

A love for all time

I'll be the fire in your winter

You know you're from Estonia when...

2010-11-23T21:25:00.000+02:00

1. You use the word ‘normal’ if something is ok.
2. When visiting friends abroad you bring along a box of Kalev chocolate.
3. You attended a song festival at least once either as a performer or as a spectator.
4. You know that going to the sauna is 80% about networking and 20% about washing
5. You are nationalistic about Skype (it is actually an Estonian company)
6. ‘Kohuke’ belongs to your menu
7. You declare your taxes on the internet like all modern people
8. You actually believed for a while that Latvians had 6 toes per foot when you heard that as a child
9. You are convinced that Estonia is very strategically located
10. You spent at least one midsummer in Saaremaa, Hiiumaa or one of the smaller islands
11. You can quote films like “Viimne reliikvia” and “Siin me oleme”
12. You spit three times around your left shoulder for good luck
13. Words like “veoauto”, “täieõiguslik” or “jää-äär” sound perfectly pronouncable to you
14. You like bold statements, such as this one…
15. There can never be too much sarcasm
16. You can at times drink hot tea to hot food
17. You are disappointed that Jaan Kross never got the Nobel prize in literature
18. It would not be suprising for English-speakers to find your name naughty (Peep, Tiit, Andres [sounds like undress]) or hippy (Rein, Rain)
19. You have been to Finland
20. You say ‘Noh’ (sounds like NO) even when you speak English, just to confuse people
21. You know the lyrics to “Mutionu” and “Rongisõit”
22. You would never mistaken Kreisiraadio for a radio station
23. You would agree that wife-carrying is a real sport (at least as long as Estonians are winning)
24. Your best friend’s girlfriend is your English teacher’s daughter and they live next door to your grandparents, who were colleagues with your advisor, who is friends with your…
25. You think that any beverage below 20% is non-alcoholic
26. You check the thermometer before going out
27. You look in both directions before crossing the road, even if it’s a one-way street
28. You grin very mysteriously when people ask about your national food
29. You teach a non-Estonian speaker the word “Tänan” before “Aitäh”
30. You put ketchup inside your pasta (french-cooked gourmet faire la fine manger pasta) in order to not to get the ketchup-bowl dirty
31. You cheated on your wife/husband at least ten times but you still think you’re in a good marriage.
32. When someone asks you “where is Estonia?” you quickly reply that it’s located in Northern Europe close to Finland…
33. Your grandmother’s “purse” is an old plastic bag that has been reused several times
34. Sour cream tastes good with everything
35. A foreigner speaks to you in broken horrible Estonian and you go on and on about how wonderful their Estonian is compared to “the Russians’”
36. You have ever worn or seen anyone wear “karupüksid”
37. You have heard the phrase “Estonians are slow” at least once
38. Kui sa saad aru, mis siia kirjutatud on
39. You find yourself continually ignoring the gender in other languages
40. You say ‘kurat’ as at least every second word
41. You consider running to the shop at 19.50 on Friday evening to buy some booze, a sport
42. You are a true Estonian when you come from Tallinn, because if you are from Tallinn you think Tallinn IS Estonia and that’s true of course that Tallinn is Estonia
43. When someone says “Estonians are so beautiful” you answer almost without emotions “I know”
44. You have tried to explain people that “kauboi” is actually a word in Estonian
45. You don’t think that terviSEKS is a funny word
46. You don’t find the Estonian equivalent to the expressions “twelve months”, “1002″ and “12 buses” remotely funny
47. Even though you never met Toots, Teele and Kiir you know exact what they are like
48. You grin when someone you know says that they bought a BMW

49. You know how to end the sentence “Kui Arno isaga koolimajja jõudis…”

Gimme lace and whiskey

2010-11-20T01:08:00.000+02:00

Black lace on sweat

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T22:55:00.000+02:00

I wanted Tweety Pie crucified.
I'm rooting for the bad guy.

And the wind blows my brain...

2010-10-30T01:27:00.000+03:00

She's the face on the radio
She's the body on the morning show
She's there shaking it out on the scene
And she's the colour of a magazine

And she's in fashion
Ouh Ouh Ouh
And she's in fashion
Ouh Ouh Ouh

Not bad for a 10 minute sketch, not bad at all. I had already forgotten what it feels like to draw. Drawing butterflies and eyes during boring classes just don't cut it for me. If I only had more time...

Once again I ask for your forgiveness for being a bad blogger.

If we all give a little

2010-10-17T03:11:00.000+03:00

Since it's October I'm wearing my pink ribbon most of the time. A few people have asked me about it. Glad I've been able to raise awareness.

The silver pin is from Avon. I've bought a few of their Breast Cancer Crusade products. All for a good cause after all. It reminds me that I saw a nice keyring in the new catalog.

I also wanted to share a link All you have to do is click ;)

Remember September...

2010-10-03T23:44:00.001+03:00

When autumn weather
Turns the leaves to flame
One hasn't got the time for the waiting game

somewhere over the rainbow

2010-09-28T01:39:00.000+03:00

Somewhere over the rainbow...skies are blue
and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...

I'm not scared just changing

2010-09-19T01:50:00.003+03:00

Looking for a different space
Searching for my inner place
Out of patience out of balance out of time
Out of breath out of focus these shapes in my mind

Can you ever forgive me for being a bad blogger? There's just so much going on in my life (and in my mind). I could write whatever and hate it tomorrow. That's how fast I change my mind. I only change my mind on certain things though.

I'm slowly changing, I'm turning into new me. Hopefully the new me will be a better, improved version of me ;) It's not easy to leave past behind but one has to do so in order to move on.

The girl I used to be
Has a terrible case of mistaken identity

I used to define myself through others. Now I'm just trying to figure out who I really am no matter what others might think. Their opinions don't really matter, do they? Oh, I was a silly girl always trying to be someone that I wasn't. No wonder that I feel so lost now, so confused. I guess it could be said that I'm slowly growing into myself. Hopefully all the people around me have enough patience. Well, to be honest, I'm sure some of them will be cut out of my life in the process. I don't need excess baggage.

I'm not sure what happens now or why dreams disappear
I'm not sure why letting go is still my greatest fear
I don't have the answers to these questions anymore
All I know right now is I'm unsure

When summer's over will we dream of spring?

2010-09-05T23:23:00.002+03:00

All the kids are going back to school

The summer's over it's the golden rule

Young girls seem to shimmer
In fluorescent glare
Summer is over

telephone

2010-08-13T16:28:00.002+03:00

I'm your Opheliac...

2010-08-09T18:56:00.000+03:00

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see
It's the Opheliac in me

I'm a gypsy...

2010-08-09T00:23:00.000+03:00

Gypsy girl with raven hair
Eyes like saucers, with a stare
That says she's the one that never seems to care

Since I let depression take the best of me I made the skirt just yesterday. It waited for a while but at least I got it done. Now I have to get back on track with my other projects I've started (e.g. Tweety). Give me time - and cooler weather - and I'll finish it. I made a few other things besides that skirt but I'm not in the mood of showing off my stuff. I was a sewing maniac yesterday, that's what mania does to you...

Work in progress never stops

2010-07-25T00:03:00.001+03:00

That right there on the picture is my Tweety. I'm gonna finish it in a few days. At least I think so. Masterpiece in the making haha. Yes, I painted it on my bed. Stupid, I know, but I didn't get paint anywhere...I swear.

I'm the type who always has to have a few "projects" on their hands. I don't know why it is that way but somehow it helps me finish things faster. My other work in progress is going to be a skirt, I think.

my life according to Emilie Autumn

2010-07-22T01:12:00.001+03:00

1. Pick your Artist: Emilie Autumn

2. Are you male or female: Mad Girl

3. Describe Yourself: Gothic Lolita

4. How Do you feel: How Strange

5. Describe Where you currently live: Castle Down

6. If you could go anywhere, where would you go: In The Lake

7. Your Favorite form of transportation: I Don't Care Much

8. Your Best friend is: Opheliac

9. You and your friends are: Dead Is The New Alive

10. What's the weather like: Asleep

11. If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Miss Lucy Had Some Leeches

12. What is life to you: The Art Of Suicide

13. Your last or current relationship: Gentlemen Aren't Nice

14. Your Fear: My Fairweather Friend

15. What is the best advice you have to give: Best Safety Lies In Fear

16. Thought For The Day: Let It Die

17. How Would I like To Die: Be Silent, Be Still

18. My Soul's present condition: What If

19. My Motto: Misery Loves Company

I just want to feel safe in my own skin

2010-07-21T00:56:00.000+03:00

I don't really know when it all started. Maybe it's because it didn't seem abnormal to me at all so that's why I didn't notice the changes. In my mind it was going normally, it was the way it was supposed to be.

It's not easy to be different, especially at a tender age. Someone's remarks can change your whole life. It's even worse when it's someone from your own family...

I tried everything imaginable to get my parents attention (which I still don't have). Acting was fun but I got tired of always playing granny in the school plays. Joining the gymnastics team wasn't probably a good idea. I was taller than others and "fatter" than others. I wouldn't say I was fat but I seemed really big next to other girls. I just didn't fit in. Never mind the fact that I got the routines right a lot sooner than the rest. I never did get to perform because I would've ruined the picture. The best thing was when my trainer said my hips were too wide. Sorry lady, I just can't saw them off! When one of the girls said that maybe if I tried losing some weight it could work I couldn't take it anymore.

Being called a fat cow wasn't nice either. Years later the same people came up to me and said they only called me names because they were jealous. Oh thank you for trampling all over my self-esteem because of stupid jealousy.

My life has never been easy. Having someone at home who calls me fat and useless sure hasn't been helpful. It's one thing to handle bullies at school but having to deal with the same thing at home is just too much. When you're told something for your whole life you start to believe it. I got so insecure and had no self-esteem. At some point I met the bitch called anorexia. Before that I had tried different diets, I even ate food in certain order, the right colours etc. I had tried almost everything. Not eating anything at all wasn't easy at all. At that point in my life I got so obsessed with food. I didn't think of anything else but food.

I still remember the first time I purged. It was if I had found my holy grail. I could eat everything without worrying about getting fat. It was as if I was high. For a while I worked out a lot to compensate my eating. I didn't think of all the harm I was doing. I was abusing my body but I made myself think it was good for me. I made myself believe I was happy but it was back then when depression kicked in.

It all seemed so easy. I could keep it from everyone. It was my little secret and no one needed to know. I could always say I had already eaten or I wasn't hungry. Lies, lies, lies... We have an outhouse so no one could ever catch me sticking fingers down my throat. At some point I was so good at self-induced vomiting that all I had to do was to press on my stomach a little harder. I also mastered puking without a sound...just in case. So there were no worries I was ever gonna get caught.

The amount of food that I could eat when binging would scare some people. Don't worry, it all came out quicker than you can say self-induced vomiting. Simple. When my disease was at its worst I threw up after every meal, including snacks. I even had to throw up after eating an apple. It sounds sick and that it is but to me it was normal. I felt great when I threw up. I felt relieved. It lasted for a while because the guilt always kicked in...and shame. The first thought that made me feel bad about was that there are so many people who have no food at all, and I was simply wasting it. I wasn't thinking of myself, I was thinking of others.

When it finally got to me that what I was doing was a problem it took the fun out of it. It didn't make me to stop, I just stopped enjoying it. I've never really had much control over my life, everything has always been planned for me. So it made me feel like I was in control...I wasn't. Bulimia was in control but I foolishly believed I was.

What really made me want to stop was my heart problem. Sure, a little medication and I'm fine now. My heart beats a little faster than the average person's but it's nothing much. I realised how much damage I had already done. I don't want to kill myself just because someone once said I was fat.

It's not easy to live like this. I still have days when I eat so-called safe food. There's no such thing as an ex-alcoholic, ex-addict, ex-bulimic etc. Those are not illnesses you can cure or something you'll grow out of no matter what some people say. Every time when things go bad I wanna stick fingers down my throat. It's my drug. It's something I have to fight with every day for the rest of my life. If I didn't it'll take over and drag me back to hell.

I can say I'm doing my best not to let it control my life again. For the first time I'm happy with my body but there's still a part of me that says I'm fat. It's probably never gonna go away. It's like a broken record...the good thing is that it's fading out...

I'm not trying to blame anyone. It would be stupid. It's not their fault they can't deal with their own issues without degrading others. They didn't force me to puke nor starve. I guess I've been trying to figure out how it all started. Do I know the answer? Maybe. Does it change anything? Not really. I don't want to fit in so badly anymore. I'm not looking for anyone's approval. Perhaps I know now that there's always a place where I'll be loved for who I am...inside and out...

* * *

2010-07-20T01:19:00.001+03:00

I don't know what to write about but I felt like I should post something. It's been so long since my last blog so I decided to just give you a link. You can find some pictures there that I took on a festival more than a week ago. I promise you'll get to read something before the end of the week. I'm thinking of writing about something serious so be prepared.

Oh, one more thing before I wrap this one up...

I got a little black book with my poems in

2010-07-05T04:14:00.006+03:00

This is the first, and probably the last, time I let you sneak "behind the scenes". I usually let my so-called art do the talking but for some reason this particular series of poems made me want to explain a few things. The series is appropriately titled 'My Guests'. Every poem is about something that "visited" me frequently. That doesn't mean those things doesn't happen to me anymore or they're not there. They're all still there, I just refuse to let most of them in now.

Some of the poems may leave you with the impression that I'm making fun of my problems. They pretty much are a mockery of everything I was going through. They're a bit of a parody, a bad one but still a parody. Perhaps I was trying to be a parody myself. To be honest, I had this character, and I didn't want anyone to see the real me. It seemed to be easier that way. Too bad that the real me still found ways to show herself to others...

Depression And Insomnia is one of the poems I still like. (I usually tend to not think about my poems or have an opinion on them after they're finished. Once something is finished, it's finished.) I think the poem portrays my obsession with tea parties very well. It's the beginning of a new era actually. With that poem I made my problems characters. It somewhat helped me to talk about them more and somewhat overcome them in the long run. I still have problems with both of the mentioned "guests" but more on that later.

Eating Disorder...I think it's one of my confessional poems. Though I had written about bulimia before, this one marks the time when I was truly ready to admit it was still a problem. I had made some people believe that it wasn't an issue anymore so the poem was like coming out of the closet. I think I realized then that I shouldn't, and I can't blame anything on anyone else. Sure they had a part to play in it all but I cannot point the finger. No, I didn't stop after writing the poem. Sadly, I can't promise it will never be an issue again...

Fear. I never know for sure what it is that I'm so afraid of...or maybe I just don't want to admit it. The biggest challenge for me is overcoming my fears. I'm afraid to let people close, I'm afraid to get hurt. Goddammit, I'm even afraid to be happy, because I'm the most vulnerable then. I've never feared death but every now and then I feel like I fear life.

Lady Misery. I made misery a lady because I thought it fits. A lady in a black dress, a veil covering her face etc. You will probably never get the right image unless I drew it haha. Misery was the only thing that was always there, the only thing I could count on. She doesn't like tea parties though, too many other guests.

Mistakes. We all make mistakes, don't we? The poem is about me making the same mistake over and over again. Trusting wrong people, trusting the ones who betrayed my trust before. Not only once or twice but repeatedly. Why the hell did I surround myself with people like that? Why the hell did I keep telling them things? God only knows...I've finally learned my lesson. Some of the people are still in my life but I just don't let them in on everything.

Panic Attacks still visit me. I still remember the last time. Well, I barely remember it but I know when it was. Why those things happen I still don't know. At one point you're just paralyzed with a feeling much bigger than fear and there's nothing you can do. I should be glad I haven't passed out like some. More glad because it doesn't happen often so I'm not afraid to leave home.

Paranoia is all that I've got. Okay, it's not that bad anymore. I'm not as paranoid as I was like a year ago. Yeah, I still think about conspiracy theories and stuff but I don't let it control my life anymore. I wrote the poem when it was at its worst. I was so paranoid that I would've loved to live alone in a bomb shelter. Alone because I couldn't trust anyone anymore. In a bomb shelter because I had no idea what could happen. Silly or what?

Tachycardia. This is something I don't worry about anymore. It doesn't really happen anymore either. It was a bit similar to panic attacks. Some meds and rest and I'm as good as new. Plus, I got to know that my heart just beats faster than the average human's so it's ok. I was really scared when I wrote it. Scared for my life. Although I've been killing myself slowly for years I started worrying about my life, my health. I didn't make the acquired changes right away though.

The Dreams was the first poem of 'My Guests' that I wrote. I knew instantly that I will write more. I rarely think when I write. Whatever needs to come out comes out. It's inspired by Emilie Autumn (I so have to write about her and my "relationship" with her music at some point.) and playing cards. I was listening to her music a lot, and trying to learn how to tell fortune using simple playing cards. (I still can't do that because the techniques all seem so complicated and rather boring.) No wonder I had weird dreams. No wonder I needed to write about it when I woke up. I always keep a notebook ready by the bed.

The Nightmares seemed like a perfect addition to the series. For some reason I still see nightmares about a lot of things that have happened to me. Even when I've forgotten about something it lurks in my nightmares so it all comes back. I wish they'd go away but they never do. I don't know who to thank but lately I've rarely seen nightmares. The next step would be to not see them at all but it's never gonna happen. We all see nightmares.

The Tears was the poem that was supposed to make the whole world see I'm not as strong as they thought. Actually, I'm even stronger but I still cry every now and then. It's like laughter, it heals. Sometimes the best thing to do is to cry. I was crying almost every night. I never wanted anyone to see my tears. I felt extremely lonely. I still cry but now I don't give a flying fuck who sees. I can cry on the bus, in the street in front of strangers staring at me like I'm crazy or something. Who cares?

Going through my old poems made me see how far I've come. I still have a long way to go. Road to acceptance, road to recovery. Hopefully it's gonna be a full recovery from most of the issues. If the series is missing anything it's probably a poem on alcohol, perhaps even one on selfharming. I'm probably gonna write them when the time is right. Then the series would be completed cause I've thought from day one that there will be 13 poems...eventually... It's like a goal I need to achieve in order to leave those poems behind. In order to leave them to readers.

Only last July when the world was young.

2010-07-05T02:54:00.002+03:00

my artistic side

2010-06-28T17:58:00.002+03:00

I'm an artistic person. I guess I have my grandparents to "blame". It's safe to say that it runs in the family, and it comes from my dad's side. His parents both draw and paint. They have a painting by me on their bedroom wall.

When I first started drawing - like seriously drawing - it was under their supervision. I'm left handed. It's something that made my granny pretty sad. For a while she even tried to change that. I gotta hand it to her, she was persistent. The last time I was at their place trying my new watercolours I even tried to paint with my right hand. Needless to say my granny was surprised. Well, she doesn't know that if I practiced a little more I could easily paint with both hands...and I'm not gonna tell her.

I always expressed myself with my drawings and paintings, and still do. No wonder that at some point I was painting dead bodies, zombies, decapitated teddy bears. This is where every parent should see red but mine didn't give a fuck. I rarely show my work to them now anyway because they never have anything to say.

At one point I started drawing clothes for my paper dolls. I still have a bunch somewhere. Ever since I've been hooked on designing but I think that deserves a little post of its own.

I don't like drawing people. Maybe it's because I don't like people in general. Plus, drawing people is pretty damn hard. I'm a perfectionist and lose my patience too soon to make any piece good enough to look at. I stick to landscapes, flora and fauna, and of course, weird fictional characters.

Writing this makes me want to finish the painting of Tweety. I know I have to wait till tomorrow until I can start working on it again. The background is drying. It's a little project that has been in the air since the beginning of the year. The next project will be a ninja pirate riding atop a zombie unicorn. I have seen that little phrase a lot lately and I just have to put it on paper or canvas.

Before every piece I do a lot of research. I read a lot about crucifixion and made loads of Tweety sketches to get to know the subject more. I even read about the history of Tweety. How weird is that? I'm slowly starting with sketches of pirates, ninjas, unicorns. I guess I should study zombies a little to make my zombie unicorn look as realistic as one can make a zombie unicorn look. There's nothing realistic about a ninja pirate or a zombie unicorn...

Painting is a lot harder than most people think It's not like I take the colours and brushes and start to paint. It takes a lot of time to prepare and it takes a lot of time to finish the painting. At least my paintings don't take years to make...

Enough of this, I have some sketches to make ;)

A Few Facts About Men

2010-06-24T04:01:00.000+03:00

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. Guys are so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate they can help their team.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

26. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

right kind of wrong

2010-06-18T01:16:00.001+03:00

Human relations are mostly complicated. We make them complicated because we don't know any better. On the other hand they can be complicated just because life works in mysterious ways.

Relationships don't last for the most part. People are very eager to throw everything away. We usually want what we haven't got. How many of us can say that they want what they have? A lot of relationships are like addictions. I'm sure that everyone has felt addicted to someone at some part in their life. Every addiction starts and ends with pain. It's like using somebody as a painkiller then realizing that it just disguise the pain. The realization of course hurts like hell. The only thing that hurts more is when you realize that someone has used you as a painkiller.

For the first time in my life I don't need a painkiller. I wasn't looking for anyone who could take away the pain. I just found someone who somehow made me realize I have all the painkillers in the world. Someone who made it clear that I have all the tools I need to change and build a better future. A pretty good alternative to killing myself slowly, don't you think?

I can say that I accept him the way he is. He can be a bit of a dick sometimes but I don't mind...much. It's part of who he is. If we don't love the other person for who they are we don't love them at all. I've wanted to change so many people but I don't want to change him. I don't criticize him, I don't judge him. If he wants to change something about him he's allowed to. I'm not gonna love him any less, and will support him whenever it's needed.

He's somewhat my support mechanism. I'd like to think that he'll let me be his support mechanism too. You shouldn't cling to the person who supports you. That would eventually make everyone want to run away. You just know the other person is there when you need a shoulder to cry on or a little kick in the ass. It's safe to say that my honeybear is good for both ;)

Most people would say that it'll never work. Well, fuck them, we're gonna make it work. Sure life is trying to make it as hard for us as possible but I don't intend to give up so easily. He's already a part of my present and I want him to be a part of my future, a big part.

Maybe it's hard for him to believe that I might love him. Lord knows I've been attracted to him ever since we started talking but I guess it just wasn't the right time. I wrote a poem about him and for him titled "It's Just Lust". I knew then that it was something more. It's something I couldn't describe and I'm afraid I still can't.

So why do I love him? Simply because he is who he is. Plus, he's very charming even when he's being a dick.

I wonder what it's like to be pretty

2010-06-07T02:41:00.003+03:00

I'm pretty, what do I deserve
I feel pretty, until I walk out the door

We're all beautiful in our own way but sometimes we don't feel that. We think that we're ugly, fat etc. Usually it comes from being told so. The society is pretty shallow and if you're not model thin you're fat. If you're not pretty according to some standards you better crawl under a rock and die. Why do we let others tell what we are and what we're not? Why do we let others bring us down? Is that part of human nature?

Why would anyone want to bring someone else down in the first place? Usually it's from envy, sometimes we just remind them of themselves. Most people who have been hurt in the past end up hurting others. Instead of dealing with their own issues they just insult others. They live out all of their frustration on someone whose only crime is existing.

Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I know what it's like to feel unpretty. I know what it's like to hate every part of your own body. I know what it's like to be afraid of mirrors. I know what it's like to look at other people and think they're prettier than you are. I know what it's like to meet new people when your only thought is that they're gonna see this ugly person in front of them. I know what it's like to be different.

It's not always just the looks. I'm a smart girl so it was only natural that some others picked on me in school. Yet, they always turned to me when they needed help with their homework. Figure that one out! When you're different from the rest, you're instantly an outsider, outcast of society. Maybe they would've wanted to be my friends if I was platinum blond, who knows. Maybe they would've wanted to be my friend if I had been listening to 'N Sync and Britney Spears. *shrugs*

I wish I could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too

I never let it show how much words really hurt. Words cut deeper than a razor. (Trust me, I know how deep a razor cuts.) The scars never truly heal. I always put on my brave face and acted like I didn't give a flying fuck. In reality I was a mess.

If it had been only people who barely knew me I would've been ok. My own family members seemed to do everything possible to bring me down. When you hear every day, several times a day that you're useless, fat and ugly, you start to believe that.

I wonder when pretty's gonna bleed
My monster has all the time he needs

I let it affect me more than I should have but I didn't know any better. I was stupid enough to put up with it all and pretend that nothing was wrong. I let their words bring me down. My monster has all the time he needs. My monster was first anorexia and soon bulimia. I can't say I'm fully recovered but I'm getting there. It's not an easy topic for me and I guess it'll never be. I'm sure there are gonna be a lot of setbacks on my way but I'm determined to get better. I can't erase everything they said but I can be good to myself. If I'm not good to myself then who will be. Clearly others don't care.

We judge others to feel good about ourselves. I've stopped doing that. I feel good enough about myself without degrading anyone else. People who put others down are just insecure about themselves. I know that now but I didn't see it for a long time. Too long...

At some point I realized I was sick in the head. I realized it was a disease and I needed help. It's not my job to blame anyone. I don't feel like pointing a finger at someone and say it's all because of what they said. It was all because I was vulnerable and not able to stand for myself. No one told me I was pretty. No one told me that most people degrade others to feel better about themselves. No one told me how cruel this world is. I had to learn it the hard way.

And if I'm ugly then
So are you

That's what I think. Whatever someone says, I think that if they say that about me it's because it's the way they feel about themselves. It's as simple as that. I'm grateful for all the bad I've had to go through. I wouldn't be who I am today without all of that. In my mind I thank everyone who has ever insulted me in any way. Everyone who has made me feel unpretty, thank you. Thank you for making me a stronger person. Thank you for hurting me enough that I could see that you're the ones who are hurting.

I can say that I'm happy in my own skin. I've had a little help on the way and I'm thankful for those few people who have had confidence in me when I didn't. I love myself today and that means a lot. Especially coming from someone with a lot of issues. Despite everything I still have to deal with I feel pretty. Sure there are days when I feel unpretty, we all have days like that. At the end of the day I know I'm not what someone says I am. I'm beautiful whether they think so or not. We're all beautiful.

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no

------------------------------------------
Kidneythieves - Pretty
Christina Aguilera - Beautiful
TLC - Unpretty
Sugababes - Ugly

just an old faded photograph...

2010-05-27T04:19:00.002+03:00

Perhaps it's time to introduce you one of my passions - photography. Sometimes I think that at first it was only an attempt to get some attention from my father. Soon it became a hobby and then suddenly it had become one of my biggest passions. I surpassed my father a long time ago. Nowadays he just takes pictures of treetops.

I have two cameras, and have at least one of them with me all the time. Well, almost all the time. Sometimes my friends scream when they see me. They're all so shy. (I, myself am a camerawhore.) I try to honour their request of not taking pictures, but sometimes I can't resist. They can consider themselves lucky because I'm not really into portraits or just snapshots of some silly gathering.

I'm more into sill life and nature photography. The only time I'm really interested in people are on concerts. Concert photography is something I keep getting better at. The perfect timing, the perfect configurations...everything has to be perfect or the picture will be pretty bad (not to say terrible).

I've never studied photography. No one has ever given me pointers. Everything - and it's not that much - I know I've had to learn myself. I have had to figure out how to use my cameras. I have had to experiment a lot till I found the perfect settings for specific pictures. Needless to say that at first it resulted in shitload of bad pictures and a few good ones. It has taken time but it has been worth it. I can safely say that I keep evolving, I keep learning. It's fascinating, and it never gets boring.

I've always been this artistic kid. The one whose notebooks were full of sketches instead of important notes on some subject I barely cared about. Photography is just one of the ways to let my artistic side out. Some say I'm talented, I say I'm just not afraid to experiment.

Maybe that's why I'm so obsessed with still life photography. I can create so many different compositions. I can let that crazy artist do her thing and then just take the picture. Taking the picture is sometimes the easiest thing.

Coming up with the idea seems to be the hardest part. Unless it just pops in my head as it usually does. I can set up a little "studio" 4 in the morning just because I couldn't sleep and had that great idea in my head. (Hopefully it wouldn't bother my honeybear.) Maybe my stuffed animals and dolls have worn my accessories and jewelery more than I have. Not maybe, definitely. Thank god, they don't seem to mind =)

My favourite animals are giant pandas. They have always seemed so adorable to me. Well, I don't have one living in my backyard so I can't take pictures of a real panda. I do have toys.Oh boy, do I love toys. Perfect models, they never twitch.

The panda with a pistol was totally impromptu. I like being spontaneous. So the idea popped in my head and we (my sister was the assistant) realized it right away. I think he looks rather cool, don't you think?

The three pandas are actually miniature figures. I guess I should mention that I also love macro. Those little figurines were just begging me to take a photo of them. Yes, most of my "photography projects" don't take much time. Maybe I'm afraid I'll lose the idea otherwise. I rarely write my (mostly) good ideas down. Silly me...

Well, my girl Dolores, she marches through the forest
She takes one and then she sticks it down her pants
I like the red ones, and I like the yellow ones.
We bite off their heads, and we give 'em to our friends

Gummy bears, bouncing here and there and everywhere.
High adventure far beyond compare.
They are the gummy bears.

Or are those lyrics a bit too much for you? Anyway, there was a time when I was obsessed with gummy bears. That one is the latest pic of those delicious little "creatures" who don't scream when you bite their heads off. I have more pictures of gummy bears. I think that those pics are my most famous ones. (Along with the smiling cow I didn't include in this post.) Plus, it's kinda cool that you can eat your model after the photoshoot.

When it comes to nature, flowers and birds are my favourite. The best thing is that I've never had to wait long to get a good picture. I know photographers who sit hours in one place to capture something worthwhile. I just go and take my picture. Like the Barn Swallow feeding its chicks. It took me 3 minutes to get that picture. Not bad, not bad at all.

Funnily enough the animals and birds around here aren't afraid of me. I guess it works in my favour so it's easier for me to get good shots. That Garden Warbler just waited silently till I took my picture, and started singing again after that. I found that rather interesting, and quite funny I must admit.

Yes, when I take pictures of birds I always check what species they are. Sometimes I know it before I've gotten my shot, sometimes it has taken hours to figure it out.

I like nighttime. Streetlights can be very interesting sometimes. Since I like weird and strange camera angles, they're more interesting subjects for me. I guess that others might find that a bit odd. It's not your everyday object to capture on a photograph.

This picture of that lantern is one of my favorite. I'm not the only one who likes it. My friend was pretty much awe-struck. Can't blame her :)

I must confess that the thing I love the most is the sunset. I have so many different pictures of sunsets. All those colours, the warmth, the beauty, the romance - pure perfection. I'm afraid I could never watch the sunset with someone. I would have to take my camera so I'd be taking pictures all the time. Where's the fun in that?

If there's one thing I want to do next, it's fashion photography. 3 experiments so far haven't nearly been enough. I guess all has its time, and fashion photography's time is still coming. Fingers crossed...

* * *

2010-05-19T17:13:00.001+03:00

I was going through my old poems the other day. Didn't find anything new. Most of my poetry just made sick though. Why the hell did I have to write so much depressing shit? I know, I wasn't in a good place, but I think that writing something morbid and depressing wasn't very helpful. Sure at the time it seemed like a good idea. I guess that we live, and we learn.

That girl

She sits on the floor and listens to the sounds
Every now and then her heart falls to the ground
They're still fighting in the kitchen she hears
Sometimes she wishes to just get outta here
She can't show that she too is hurt and weak
No one knows that at night she cannot sleep
Her friends think she lives the perfect life
They think her days are all happy and bright
There's blood on the kitchen floor again
This is just the beginning, it is never the end
For now everything is quiet and seem okay
But it will all happen again on another day
All she has to do is to calm her sister down
Thank god they live far away from the town
She has to be quiet and get the perfect grades
She knows that all the lies have double blades
She remembers the blame in all of their eyes
That's why she still at lonely nights cries
She never felt perfect, not even good enough
All of that never really made her tough
Insults, screams, fights, bitch slaps in the face
All of her life she has wanted to leave this place
This gives her nightmares and makes her cry
All she has left to do is live and keep asking why
Every now and then she has another breakdown
She hates everything and is afraid of clowns
It hasn't been as easy as others still think
You can see it in her eyes in what you can sink
Sometimes she wishes all of her scars weren't real
I know cause that girl has always been me

There are so many things in the poem above that have changed now. It's a good thing...

tea

2010-05-07T05:21:00.002+03:00

Suddenly something has happened to me
As I was having my cup of tea

I think it's time to tell you about tea. It is my biggest addiction after all. I mostly drink green or herbal tea. When I drink black tea it's always with lemon and honey. Yes, always. I've never drank it with milk, but lately I've been feeling pretty tempted to try. I'm always up to try new things.

The first sip of tea is the always the best... you cringe as it burns the back of your throat, knowing you just had the hottest carpe-diem portion. ~Terri Guillemets

Did you know that there are at least six varieties of tea: white, yellow, green, oolong, black and pu-erh. Plus there's red tea and herbal tea. I love herbal teas. I mix so many things together that it's impossible to predict how it's gonna taste like. Thank god I haven't made an infusion that tastes bad. There are so many varieties, it's endless trying. Plus, it's fun :)

Sit and drink Pennyroyal Tea
Distill the life that's inside of me
Sit and drink Pennyroyal Tea
I'm anemic royalty

I'm also very interested in tea culture in different countries. Japanese tea ceremony has always seemed so interesting to me. I'm afraid I would mess something up if I had to perform it. It's an art.

My granny has a samovar. She's Russian so it's an essential thing. I've been begging her to give it to me for years. Well, first she would have to show me how to use it properly.

Picture me upon your knee,
Just tea for two and two for tea,
Just you for me and me for you, alone!

I throw wild tea parties ;) It actually reminds me that I need a good tea set...maybe even 2 or 3. I think my friends will never forget the last tea party, partially because my grandpa was drunk but that's another story. I love to bake and I love tea so tea parties are exactly for me. Sometimes it feels (and seems) like an obsession.

Yes, I know a lot of songs that mention tea. Trust me on that one. I know quotes about tea and every person who likes tea gets a bonus point from me. I might like someone a bit more just because they like tea. I find people who don't drink tea a bit odd, but I guess some people find me odd because I don't drink coffee.

Tea...is a religion of the art of life. ~Okakura

It's five in the morning. I should be clearly sleeping not writing about my addiction/obsession. All I need is a cup of tea. Seriously, there's nothing a hot cup of tea can't fix. I've learned it over the past few months. I leave you with a great song by Kerli. (She's Estonian just like me.) Welcome to the tea party! ;)

Did you smile today?

2010-04-14T00:39:00.000+03:00

The most important thing is to always smile. I'm sure that there is something every day, maybe even several times a day, that makes a person smile or even laugh.

I smile all the time. Whenever I go out there's a smile on my face. Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Laugh and they all think you're on drugs =) I've noticed that when I smile to people they really start to smile themselves. Sometimes my smile is just a pretend but after a few smiles from other people I am really happy. Then my smile is real. Probably there are people who smile at me just because they think it's polite. I doubt that each and every one of them smiles because my smile brightens up their day...but never say never.

When it comes to laughing one should laugh even without a reason. Laughing makes people happy. After a while the pretended laughter becomes a real laughter that captivates you completely. It makes you happy and you're laughing because you're happy. Plus, laughter is liberating. It relieves stress. What I'm saying is that laughing is good for you.

So people should smile and laugh more than they do. Even if it seems there is no reason to. Smiley happy people =)

another trip to hospital

2010-03-23T01:47:00.000+02:00

Is it wrong not to like hospitals? I know they're needed and all but that doesn't mean that I have to like them. Especially when I've spent 1/3 of my life in different hospitals. I don't like the smell. I don't like the noise. I already have sleeping problems, and sleeping in a hospital seems totally impossible. At least to me. I don't like the food. Hospital food isn't that bad, but I still can't eat it without thinking how dirty the cooks hands were. I have a few phobias, especially when it comes to the food on my plate.

I'm gonna die from boredom in there, I really am. I will have nothing to do in between all those tests. How many tests they're gonna run? How much are they gonna torture me? I like to say they torture me though most of the times I find what they do interesting. I've asked so many questions about different procedures that I'm amazed people still answer. I also like to crack jokes all the time. I guess I do that because I'm nervous.

I hope I don't get an annoying roommate. I would like the bundle of broken nerves stay as it is. Well, I can always meditate, zone out. How is one tea addict gonna live without liters of tea? How is a cat person gonna live without her pets who are like children to her? How is one gonna live without a computer? How is one gonna live without all the things they're used to have around?

My phobias though are so gonna love it there. They'll have more power over me and all. At home everything is under my control. Even if it's a mess, it's still under my control. In a hospital nothing is under my control. I'm gonna wash my hands more than ever before. I think I'm gonna take my hand sanitizer with me. Sounds like a good idea to me. I already feel disgusted thinking about it all...

Oh, and I can only sleep in my own bed. (I guess it's gonna be a problem in the future lol.) Plus, I forgot to go to the library. I have nothing to read...this is time for a panic attack.

I'm gonna be fine. It's not like I haven't done this before. Well, the reason of being hospitalized is a bit more serious now. Then again, I've already died...twice...what's the worst that could happen? I'm gonna have a blast there talking to the nurses, and annoying them. I need to get some joy out of all of this ;)

panic...or not to panic?

2010-03-22T04:57:00.001+02:00

I don't like people who like to cause panic. They just make me think that there's something wrong in their head. There seriously has to be something wrong when you have the need to make everyone run for the exit screaming for help when there actually is nothing wrong.

I have a tendency to stay calm in every situation. Well, as calm as possible. I don't like showing other people that I'm nervous. It's not something I want to spread like a plague. I don't need people screaming and coming up with the worst scenarios when I'm in a bad situation. So it's natural that I don't do that to others either.

Imagine you're on a plane and there's a little turbulence. Then someone yells: "We're all gonna die!" Of course some people panic after the yelling. They wouldn't worry that much if it was just the turbulence and no one screaming at the top of their lungs.

I've been in situations that panicking would have cost me my life. In stead of panicking I stayed focused on getting away. If you're in panic you don't evaluate the situation right anymore.

I've had panic attacks but that's a different thing. They come out of the blue, and they have nothing to do with a bad situation. They are uncontrollable, and paralyze you for a while. It's a nuisance but you learn to live with it. You learn to live with just about anything with enough willpower. I know that I won't learn to live with people who cause panic in others. I just can't tolerate that, and sometimes I would even like to slap them. For your information, I'm really not a violent person.

nights

2010-03-14T04:40:00.000+02:00

The nighttime is the worst. I always pray to get some sleep, but it never seems to help. Usually I just lie in the bed staring at the ceiling. Sometimes I read or listen to music. When I do manage to fall asleep, I usually wake up too early.

I wouldn't really mind if it wasn't for madness. Yes, madness attacks me when it's dark and I'm all alone. A part of me likes that. I can cry without the fear of someone seeing. The other part just wishes to be normal. Normal is something I have never been. I like to tell myself, that normal is overrated. Perhaps it's true, who knows...

It's not rare when I end up spending the night crying my eyes out for no reason. I have so many things running through my head that make no sense. I have so much pain inside. I don't even know where it comes from, but it makes me do things I shouldn't.

Sometimes I'm afraid to turn off the light, because I know what will happen next. As soon as it's dark my heart starts beating faster and the voices in my head come alive. They always pick the right time. There are days when I feel more fragile, more troubled and hurt. Those are the days when I hope the night never comes. When it does, it's like hell. Madness is a nuisance, but it's a part of me.

When I don't get any sleep I count the minutes till dawn. I just want the daylight to come and save me. I've always loved darkness and considered myself a night owl, but sometimes the daylight is better. I can't say that I feel better during the day. It's just that then I have my brave face on. I'm a pro, I can make everyone think all is fine.

It's half past four and I'm not in bed waiting for the sleep to come. It's gonna be a lovely morning and even lovelier day. I should be sleeping like all good girls. Maybe I'm not a good girl even though I like to think of myself as one. At least I'm not crying...yet. At least I don't feel like scratching my heart out, cutting myself, hitting the wall etc. It's a good sign, it means that I'm probably gonna have a pretty normal night. Excuse me, morning.

the girl

2010-03-12T03:12:00.000+02:00

Imagine a cold winter's night. It's windy and foggy. The ice and snow glisten because of the street lights. It's partially cloudy so you can see the stars. Then there's a girl walking and humming a song. She's only wearing a nightgown and boots. The girl doesn't mind that it's cold outside. The cold doesn't bother her, it rarely does when she's happy. She thinks to herself that only people who have seen her like that know who she really is. Sadly, no one has ever seen her in her natural environment. That girl is me...